The Journey to Me

Rumor has it that I’m an amazing person.  Beautiful, kind, brilliant, loving, a good friend, someone who is worthy of being loved and cherished.  Here’s my dirty little secret:  I don’t believe any of it.  I may not come across that way, I’m pretty good at faking it.  There have been individuals in my life who have loved me so thoroughly and deeply that I’ve caught glimpses of her, the best version of myself, and they’ve given me the hope I need to set out to find and embrace this ellusive soul.  You see, that’s the whole point.  I can’t rely on that love or those glimpses from others…I need to be those things for myself.  A pivotal part of this journey has been realizing that I need and want to learn to embrace and love all parts of myself: the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the parts that work and the parts that are really, really fucked up.  An example of the light in my life is that I have an innate awareness that dark chocolate is vastly superior to that sweetly insipid substance known as milk chocolate. And the darker the better…bring it on!  The darkest aspect of my life?  My long term struggle with mental illness.  In the last year I’ve been learning to embrace this aspect of my life, while at the same time doing all I can to reach a place of health.  My depression has been a part of me for a very long time.  It has helped shape who I am, and I have the priviledge of sharing my story and reaching out to those who have similar struggles in their lives or in the lives of those whom they love.  This journey isn’t easy, and most of the time I’m not very good at it, but hop on board and join me if you’re so inclined, even if it’s just out of a morbid curiosity to see how many levels of inappropriate my twisted sense of humor can attain.

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